Making feedback a good gift
Helping leaders see themselves as others do is one of the dark arts of coaching. This is not because coaches want leaders to conform, but, because as a sport, leadership is often played on the field of other people's perceptions. Knowing and accepting what others see as effective and ineffective in your leadership is a superpower. You may not like what you hear but you are in a position do something about it.
Tim Gallwey (2015), often considered the father of executive coaching, and a gun tennis player, found out that self-awareness rather than direct instruction was the key to growth and development. When he stopped telling his tennis clients how to hit their backhand, which made them worse, and encouraged them to see themselves hitting their backhand (in a mirror for instance), they got better. Extending this insight to leadership development, Gallwey realised that they best way to help someone learn about their impact, intended or not, was to allow them to see themselves as they were. This could be achieved through a mixture of self-reflection, conversation and 180 and 360 feedback – the practice we know today as coaching.
Receiving feedback well is one of the keys to self awareness and improvement. Feedback from others can be painful, annoying, and unfair. But do not despair. Douglas Stone and Sheila Heen (2019), of the Harvard Negotiation Project, have written a terrific book, Thanks for the Feedback: The science and art of receiving feedback well, that can help you become a master of feedback-receptivity.
One way to collect useful feedback, they argue, is to filter it into three genres:
Appreciation: "Thanks for your article, it was good summary".
Coaching: "Have you considered writing punchier pieces?"
Evaluation: "This is seventh best article I have read today".
Possibly the most absurd thing about feedback is that the receiver is seeking one genre of feedback and the giver is providing another (Stone and Heen, 2019).
John: Do you like my new shirt? (seeking appreciation)
Sally: Maybe you are too old for the slim fit (offers coaching)
To escape this cruel mismatch, which often leaves feedback giver and feedback receiver confused, Stone and Heen recommend asking for the kind of feedback you want:
Can you tell me specifically what you liked about my PowerPoint slides? (appreciation)
Could you help me get better at analysing concepts in my presentations? (seeking coaching)
How do my presentations compare to the best ones you have seen? (seeking evaluation)
In addition to feedback-seeking, leaders should watch out for common feedback roadblocks. Blind spots and switch tracking are two of my favourites.
Blind spots
You probably get feedback that is unfair and untrue. You do not have to accept it. Especially if the feedback giver's goal is to hurt you. However, if it is the fifth time someone has indicated your tendency to start presentations with a joke is not funny then there is a strong probability humour is your blind spot. The good news is that with an open heart, you can see, accept and address that feedback.
Switch tracking
Your manager: I’ve noticed your emails often have spelling errors
You: Cool, but I’m pretty busy, and that’s pretty petty feedback given how stretched I am in this place.
Said poorly or without due recognition of your context, your manager's feedback still provides you with the information to improve. Understandably you have responded by seeking “appreciation” rather than acting on the “coaching”. Reasonable as your response is, it misses an opportunity for growth. There is a more mature part of you that could ask, "tell me more", and, "how do you manage such a busy time schedule whilst remaining polished in your written communication?" This is an approach the former navy seal, Jocko Willink (2017), termed "extreme ownership". Fair or not, owning what happens to you, completely, is one of the most empowering choices you can make as a leader.
We often struggle to capitalise on feedback because we find a way to reject it. If we want to reach our potential, a different approach is required. Asking for the right specific feedback frequently is a good start. Knowing you have a worth and dignity despite that feedback is non-negotiable. If you want to enhance your performance, why not make feedback-receptivity your new super power?
References
Gallwey, W. T. (2014). The inner game of tennis: The ultimate guide to the mental side of peak performance, Pan Macmillan.
Stone, D. and S. Heen (2015). Thanks for the feedback: The science and art of receiving feedback well (even when it is off base, unfair, poorly delivered, and frankly, you're not in the mood), Penguin.
Whitmore, J. (2017). Coaching for performance: A practical guide to growing your own skills. London, Nicholas Brealey.
Willink, J. and L. Babin (2017). Extreme ownership: How US Navy SEALs lead and win, St. Martin's Press.
