Making personal change stick
There's a growing genre of leaders who are used to filling other people's cups but neglecting their own. They've worked tirelessly to get where they are. They are punctual, professional, conscientious, results-driven, diligent, and tired. When I ask these leaders what they value, they say family and friends. But, for various good reasons, they struggle to juggle the commitment to an increasingly demanding profession and their sense of what matters.
These leaders are not around as much at home as they would like, and it has been a long time since they dropped in casually on friends. When these leaders have to choose between work and family, work often gets the nod. Family and friends understand and will forgive oversights. But work, at least from the leader's perspective, is less forgiving. Saying no at work could limit your opportunities or you would disappoint others, which we are all so keen to avoid.
Gradually, these leaders erode themselves, and their energy dissipates. Passion and purpose dissolve, and duty remains. But duty alone is poor fuel for a long-term fulfilling career. They've worked hard for their roles, but it comes at a cost. They don’t like the cost, but other options seem futile. They feel stuck. What do they do?
Pic: Dan Freeman, Unsplash
It's not quite right to blame leaders for behaving in this way. They didn't invent the modern context in which they lead; they are just trying to adapt to it. I'd argue that the cognitive software required to deal with the complexities of a leadership life in 2023 exceeds the 60,000-year-old operating system that tries to make sense of it. So the program slows down; maybe the system defrags overnight and reboots each morning, sorely needing an upgrade. Undoubtedly, we need to change the systems that produce this kind of cognitive overload, but that will not happen by Monday. So what can be done in the meantime?
There's an activity I do with leaders to nudge them back in line with things that resonate with their values. It goes like this. Write down the seven most important things you value. These are the things that you love and keep you alive. Your job is usually one of them. Most people say something like:
Family, work, partner, mental health, diet, friends, hobbies
For each item you have listed, rate how you think you are performing on a scale from 1 - 5. 5 is best one is worst. See the example below.
1. Family - 2/5
2. Work - 4/5
3. Partner - 3/5
4. Mental health - 2/5
5. Diet - 1/5
6. Friends - 2/5
7. Hobbies - 2/5
Consider the values you have identified and your self-ratings. Read over the list and ask yourself if you commit time to what you value. Ask yourself why you are strong in some areas and weak in others. Next, focus on one area where your score below a three. Break down that area into 4-6 subcategories, and rate those out of five. For example, say I scored myself 2/5 for mental health. I might break down mental health into the six subcategories, as below, and rate each subcategory out of five.
1. Sense of purpose - 4/5
2. Connected to a group - 3/5
3. Meditation each day - 2/5
4. A sleep routine - 2/5
5. Contact with friends - 2/5
6. Stress relieving activity - 2/5
Once you have broken down your subcategory, pick three areas you can address straight away. Ask yourself, what action would I take to move up one number? Consider the example below:
Meditation: I could do five minutes first thing in the morning
Sleep routine: I could put my phone away at 8:00 pm
Contact with friends: I could call one friend for five minutes every day
I recommend doing this reflective activity once a week and documenting what happens in your life for four weeks. Of course, you must commit to the activities, but they are small enough to be achievable and have immediate results.
This activity does not change the context in which you work and lead, which is likely to remain a causal issue, but it may help you better pursue things you find fulfilling and energising. If you do take up the challenge, let me know how it goes.
